How to be an Evil Warlord

One of the funniest RPG related list you will find out there. I thought it would be better to post the link than steal the original author's hard work.

How to be a Successful Evil Warlord

This is my favorite (as the Mechwarrior players will probably agree):

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

What's yours?

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

i like this one. as my mech warrior character seems to do instinctively. yes number 49 is your character tim.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.


dibs

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
i gots de dibs on this one

<li>My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
</li>...even for small filching animals such as ferrets or dogs.

My favorite is:

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free, unlimited internet access.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 stones of power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more alone the lines of "Push the button/" ...

hey davina is that my bag???

Yes, but it's all part of my evil plan.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought, I'll shoot him and then say "No."

oh yeah this ones mine

I will never employ any device with a digital count-down. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable. I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

lol rich that would be dirty ok faithful side kick we have 120 sec left to save the ****BOOOOM***

This is also a good one...

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However, if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each other' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

Works in 95%* of all Dnd games. .

i kinda like this one too....

#9 I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled, "Danger: Don Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will clearly not be labelled as such.

7.) When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought, I'll shoot him and then say "No."


this one is good also
24.) I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strength and weaknesses. Even though this takes some fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

grr...and this one
49.) If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all of my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

and
65.) If I must have a computer system with publicly available terminals, the maps they display will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

there's just too many!
79.) If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited edition commemorative coins.


I know I was supposed to put just one, but I really couldn't decide. If you don't like it....tough!

oh nooooos, do i see an over use of administrator power from tracie? ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Nope, I think thats just Tracie all around I think. "Doing what I want, and if you don't like it, tough."

Bobbikins wrote:Nope, I think thats just Tracie all around I think. "Doing what I want, and if you don't like it, tough."

I would NEVER do such a thing....and if you don't like it....TOUGH!

this was an awesome thread. I wish there was some way to Bring Up this Magical Post

so that everyone could re-enjoy it.

How to be a Successful Evil Warlord

For the lazy, here is the link so you don't have to hit the first page.

Another one of my favorites is this one:

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

It makes me giggle everytime I read it.